to submit show listings:

shows(a)offerings.ca

to submit a release for review:

reviews(a)offerings.ca

to talk about advertising:

ads(a)offerings.ca

for all general inquiries:

info(a)offerings.ca

places to find offerings:

Planet of Sound

Kops Records

Moog Audio

Hits and Misses

The Film Buff (Roncesvalles)

Lit Espresso

She Said Boom (College and Roncesvalles locations)

Sonic Boom (Bloor and Augusta locations)

Circus Coffee House

Circus Books and Records

Paul's Boutique

Soundscapes

ARIES

Of course you know I'm going to start by saying this but yes, sad to say it bitches, nothing matters. Death comes for us all. Please don't go around thinking you're a great person. You're not. Just do what you can and make the most out of the gift that is your life. It doesn't matter if you are in excruciating pain. It will pass. If you need to fill your body with drugs to live in the city so be it. Moving to the country takes guts and hard work. Don't kid yourself and pretend that it's going to be fine once you get that place between here or Peterborough or wherever. There

you are motherfucker. And time is a motherfucker. Even if for some fucked up reason, you remain under the delusion that time is real, you’d have to admit that at the very least, it seems to move around a fucking lot. Are you desensitized? Where are you right now? Find out! It matters far less who others think you are than who you think you are. Money is a ridiculous human construct. Forget about it. Make as much of it as you can (or not) doing what you love (or hate) to make the world more professional and/or fun. Drink coffee? Fantastic. Don't? I couldn't care less. Your little cultural universe ends south of St. Clair shithead but I know, I know: You're open-minded. Let's just see how open-minded you are when you're back's against the wall at a Moosejaw trailer park standing their trembling like a beat ass dog, (no judgment), trying to hawk your prosthetic leg for percs, (no judgment). Oh, Canada sounds a little different now don't it asshole. Stop taking every last thing for granted. The world owes you shit. You are shit Aries. Feel it. Feel it all.

TAURUS

If you like reading your horoscope that is fine. Apparently you can use the activity as a way to meditate on parts of your life that need attention like the steady stream of bullshit that whistles through your tenor saxophone, or things you must remind yourself to be grateful for like fresh, clean, running water and a roof over your head or the fact that you're not in prison, and you're not in excruciating pain, and you're not a Chinese migrant worker who never sees their kids, and you're not on a plane to Jordan preparing to get sodomized with a stick by American high school dropouts with guns, (no judgment). They don't read drivel like this! I could go on. So could you I'd hope: healthcare, education (look, you want keys to the fucking clubhouse then fucking pay for them like everyone else or try the fucking public library and apply to Dollarmart like the rest of us), friendship, civil liberties, organic food, and, oh yeah, freedom. Let's take

freedom for example. Yes, yes, yes my dope-smoking, red-patched, middle-class, socialist-until-tenured, Taurus bullshit friends, we live under constant surveillance and everything is too expensive and almost every politician you meet is an asshole but look: Has it really ever been taken away from you? Really? Even temporarily? I hope not. Then again it may be the only fucking way to get you to ever appreciate what it really means to wipe your own ass in private, or have a thought and be able to write it down, or cry freely like the goddamned damaged child you really are without getting your shit fucked up.

GEMINI

Do you have an understanding or at least a feeling about living in a state of perpetual war as we now do? Do you care about people - about children? Little fucking kids surrounded in bloody non-stop  nation building violence? Can you actually imagine what it means to live in Afghanistan? I actually cannot. Ghandi and Sir John Shithead MacDonald both fucked around with young girls. If you don't believe me I encourage you to look it up fuckhead. Apparently Ghandi G. would "feel bad for days" when he accidentally came on his grandniece during the night. Poor Hindu bastard. Non-violence works in mysterious ways. Be the change sweet Christ. Those fuckers can go fuck themselves. Now my dear Geminis (twins! dear God!), are you experiencing the great joy that is your life? If not then why not? Some people will commit suicide as a way out of despair, shame, hopelessness, fear or disease. Go ahead! Do

it! You know who you are! Fucking do it! Nobody cares about

your self. Nobody. There are literally billions of selves trying to keep a lid on it. Put it all together right now or throw it away. It's up to you. Of course some people have addictions they must tend to - that shit will get a grip on you and tear you to fucking shreds. Let it! Or fucking leave it! Hey, Facebook is there on the internet and people love it. Why? For love of fuck why?

CANCER

Why are you reading this Cancer? Wow! What a great sign to have! Really rubs it in doesn't it? Yes in a few years some organ or other will begin to malfunction and you'll go to the Whitecoats and do the tests and then, here it comes, “sorry asshole we found a lump”. The only reason to read this is to meditate. Meditation can be practiced all over the place - even on the god-forsaken human condom that is the Dufferin bus and it is wonderful. There is so much pornography on the internet but it is not worth looking at. Better to meditate SOMEHOW. Here, try this: Talk to a person. If it seems appropriate then why not ask them if they might like to take a bath, or if they would like to come to your room for a decent meal and consider taking each others clothes off and making it? You could have a baby, or get a job, or start your own business, or go on welfare, or go back to school and become more than you are. Get a trade, or live in a rooming house and get deeply involved in street-culture. Oh! You could find someone to take care of you and that will bite you in the ass so hard motherfucker you’ll bleed like a midnight donkey I can assure you. Talking Heads really named that tune. Better to get on the pipe I think and see where that leads. Find your bottom as they say.

LEO

Prison does not suit you Leo. Sure your ex is a fucking asshole sure! But what are you going to do about it and who the fuck are you? The world is becoming more litigious than ever. Best to follow someone's example. Live a life in service. What's left of Cassius Clay (look up: Advice to a Young Fighter) and Jesus H. Christ is a litany of honor and code and error and penance. (Nota Bene: Ignoring religious texts as part of your education in that fucking smug pseudo-atheistic haze you live in is is a kind of illiteracy so glib it makes me want to pry your mouth open with forceps and puke my fucking shit ass lunch down it .Don't be an asshole! Just try not to be an asshole all the fucking time Leo. Day in day out!) These are/were some crazy motherfuckers man enough to fight or not fight but would not take part in this middle-way

bullshit. Look to someone like that.

Mark my words: Our friends in Tibet are going to have to start shooting some people if they want to keep their momos down. I mean good fucking luck Tenzin, but at least it'll start making the news and China will have to stand up and say: "Yes you've seen this before in Germany, the Balkans, Hawaii, Winnipeg and every other goddamned place - same sort of thing. You got a fucking problem with it? You want your fucking iPods or not? 咸家鏟" And then there will be some tough decisions to make now won't there? Look - don't read shit like this. It's a waste of fucking time unless it's working as a meditation. I'm naive and compulsive. Tibet is gone. There will be no tough decisions.

Palestine is gone. Hawaii and Puerto Rico, Taiwan, Angola, gone,gone, gone. I write a lot. But typing is a little different. And sex? Sex is just a problem like anything else.Deal with it. Fucking ignore it if you can. And develop

a physical relationship with yourself. Yes that’s right you fat, horny piece of shit: fucking sports. Get a fucking sport up in your fucking mind/body relationship.

VIRGO

When I write, I write in the dark - a big desperate bloody fist with a broken pen. I am a terrible lover. I don't know how to do it! Maybe you do and you're happy with who and what you've got. That's fantastic news! Go home now and just do that. It seems worthwhile building these steady kinds of relationships over time and growing old together - now doesn't that sounds goddamned wonderful. Jesus! There are problems of course, but it shouldn't be a big deal if you need to go get a hand-job or whatever once in a while, or have someone you don't know sit on your lap and do a little wiggle, or if your heart truly goes off the reservation for a while and you end up with the drummers wife or the drummer or whatever. There you go again experiencing the rich fucked-up miracle of your life. Just come to some kind of arrangement. An honest man is always single. I'm fucking single and I'm writing your fucking cosmic motherfucking truth down here in this shithole internet cafe that smells like stale cum and cigarettes. Allahu Akbar Virgo! Don't forget to look up every once in a while.

LIBRA

Everybody is doing their best in the end. Even the local pederast or that fucking asshole at the bank or the shameful, worthless, under qualified, jingoistic, lying piece of shit at city hall. It's dark I know. It's hard to believe. And god forbid harm come yourway Libra but who knows what horrors they are suffering. Try to be a good citizen and protect children and old people. Remember that we have connections to public servants whose job it is to

help us. Not to fuck us. 211 motherfucker. 911 girls. Get a phone. They are cheap now. They don't work of course and they deliver brain tumors but just get one anyway. Who cares? Plus it's nice to do stuff. It's fun! People love it! Might as well! You don't have to know how to do anything either. Look at fucking Lou Reed for Christ's sake! I mean Shabbot Shalom dude but the man can barely

dress himself. The Farmer's Market? $30 arugula? Sorry fucklord they don't have that shit at the fucking food bank! Eat shit asshole. Stick your tongue up my ass and go to work!

 

SCORPIO

Fine. I'll admit it. I fucking wept when they elected him and so did you Scorpio. I mean I was drunk on Budweiser and Bells I lifted from the LCBO as my postmodern bi-sexual experiment of a marriage was rushing down the toilet, but I wept all the same. What was your excuse professor shithead? We had cable back then. Finally, I thought! Finally America has elected a Harvard Law Man who wrote his autobiography before he was forty and would represent the needs of the disenfranchised, homeless and hungry people of color at fucking Goldman Sachs like brother "Hank" Paulson! What an asshole! Let freedom reign! Let freedom reign! Look they had their chance with Nader and now it's fucking Radiohead time.

SAGITTARIUS

If you're going to learn to do something well then have fun and get some exercise or make some money or friends. That's all great stuff. You can do weird stuff at banks like put your money places, "savings", etc. It's weird - weird but maybe a good idea. Twenty bucks a month or whatever. Some of us hoped Communism would have worked out somewhere but it seems hopeless. They say that Fidel used to have three women a day. I don't blame him. Gorbachev

could have been a great man I think but apparently the CIA had him all along - that's what this guy told me. This guy! Nice enough but so concerned about presentation and authorship and

media - an artist! Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know what the fuck is going on out there?! They're making photocopiers the size of Winnebagos to make elbows and chickens and wheelchairs and GREASE shirts. I mean the world is unthinkable and you're worried about

what???! Sweet Jesus. Gentle Fucking Jesus! So many things are irrelevant now. Forget about counterpoint or authorship or who's fucking who. Who fucking cares? You have to find

what is significant to you and then make it fundamental and then so on. That's what I learned from a guy in Neversink, New York.He's still above ground beating off the cancer. And try to be

straight with people. Don't hurt anyone unless they're going to hurt you or your kid. In that case fucking waste them. That's what the prophet Muhammad did. He wasted a lot of people who fucked with him. He's still pretty popular and coincidentally a Sagittarius and coincidentally shared that prophetic penchant for pubescent girls, (don't buy it? read the fucking Koran shithead or any one of his biographies), I guess that was just the thing in olden times. It's

how they "rolled". And the Christian defenders of the New World at Abercrombie and Fitch seem to be doing their best to bring it back to fashion. Ahh fashion! What's old is new again!

CAPRICORN

It's true what they say: today is your lucky day Crapcorn. Something will happen today that will be a sign pointing toward what's next. There is death of course. That's sure as shit coming so no need to worry about that - check that off the list. Maybe work backwards from that and get a few things done. Why not? What's on your tombstone? Start there. Or go ahead asshole, get on the pipe but you'll not do well. You won't feel very good. There are so many, many things worse than death. And death is not the end of anything. Think about all the dead people you know. You really think they're dead like POOOF!? They are playing guitar in the fucking Goo Goo Dolls asshole! You might miss them sure but in a way who cares? I haven't seen my friend X since forever. Is she dead? Maybe. I hope not I guess. But I'm not sure what the difference is right now except for slight adjustments in the way I think or feel about her. Feelings. Nothing
more than feelings.

AQUARIUS

People are only dead like you will be one day. What difference does it make? I don't know what to say about Israel anymore except that I am quite certain that it's too late for the other guys. They are going to lose everything and things will get much worse everywhere. More planes into more buildings. People hate, hate, hate getting fucked over. Either way we're back in death territory. I’m sorry. Look: a lot of my good friends are Xenophobic Zionist racist weirdos, (no judgment), but seriously, isn’t Brooklyn enough? The museum…so lovely in the fall… I mean, there are roughly as many Jews in the US as there are in Israel. I’m sure no one would mind if you put up a few more flags here and there. I mean, I know you’ve been through some shit - a lot of shit - for a long time. We know. Ok. We fucking know already. But why, oh why is your Diaspora more tragic than that of most of fucking Africa’s. Guys! C’mon! Africa! Because it

was written? God made it so!? Jesus! Never before would an act of fucking off be of such biblical proportions. Finally an act worthy of God’s chosen people. But nah, we’re back in goddamned genocidal death territory. I don't know. Call your mother and say thanks!. "Thanks a lot Mom! What a fucking shitstorm you thrust me into! Watch this! I'm going to make the most of it!". Hey, if you have a bathtub you are fucking golden. Use it and keep it clean. No roommates? Even better! Oh and lest we forget about that little AIDS epidemic that sprung up in the Tibetan monasteries a ways back because so many of the monks were getting their honor and ink mixed up. "I just can't resist the girls", I remember one of them smiling into the camera referring to the visiting Chinese sex workers, robes and all. Hope that one gets you through the day Aqua Rius. Yep, Monk AIDS.

PISCES

My life is amazing and I'm pretty fucked. I love it. But it's hard work. Don't like hard work? You're going to have a hard time. And I'm no spinney libertarian. I'm a fucking Pisces and we're badass motherfuckers.Yo! Move it! That's how we do! Money, "the role of the state", has nothing to do with it. Look, I imagine it's hard work being rich and drinking boxed wine all day and being black or white or whatever and doing blow and sucking things. Indians lie. People lie. The Pope probably has a physiofuckingtherapist right? Honesty is good policy but they might want some collateral if you're going to borrow their furniture dolly. So get some fucking collateral asshole. Get a credit card and try not to use it. All that kind of shit. But I mean work hard doing whatever you're doing. If it sucks it sucks. At least you're engaged. Plus pay your debts and buck up soldier. Every moment: Fucking golden.